God be my hands. I
have zero capability to write on my own. I’ve known that, logically, for a
while. But now I know it because I am experiencing it. I have surrendered to
full dependence on God. I have accepted that I require full dependence on God
to write, to pray, to get up each morning, and to breathe. With full transparency, I admit that only
part of me recognizes the full dependence on God that I require. The other part
of me only needs me. That part seeks to fulfill selfish desires. That part of
me looks back at the last few years of my life devoted to Christ and wonders
how I got here. The confusion and chaos causes me to question the goodness of
the Lord and his interest in me as a person. I believe most people can say they have
experienced a splitting of desires resulting from Christ’s spirit in them
battling with their own sinful nature. This is more than that. It is more
difficult, more confusing, and more evil. Because the place I have found myself
is not what even my own flesh desires. In all honesty, I hate it.
I still haven’t
determined how I got to this place. But I can describe it. The first signs I
had that something was terribly wrong were thoughts. Suddenly things that I
wouldn’t dream of doing became acceptable, in my mind. I’d convinced myself
that my marriage was never going to last forever. I rationalized actions that God’s truth says
are not okay. The scariest part of this battle is that I had no concern of who
knew or who saw what was going on. To some degree, that is still true. I have
so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I need prescription medicine at
night to turn my brain “off.”
As if the mental and
emotional parts of this journey are not enough, I now have physical signs of
struggle. I walk through most of the day in a daze. I feel like I’m floating
through the air and just trying to stay focused enough to take care of my daily
tasks. I am constantly cold and shaky most of the time. I still don’t know how
this is related to what is going on inside, but I know it is.
At this moment I am
in the heat of an incredibly intense battle. The battle is not over my soul, I
am certain that I already belong to God. But the battle is over the souls of
others. I feel an unbearable amount of pressure that the eternity of people I
love is at stake. I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle
this situation. But even in this moment, when I feel my heart being ripped in
two, I hear God speak to me. “Step out of the way. This is my battle, and I’ve
already won. You are going through this for me, and I will carry you through.” Even I don’t know what the outcome will be. I
know that God will use this for His glory. Right now I am just praying that it
will be over soon.
Four things here: First, it is us who are not good. We are deeply flawed creatures. And the devil will constantly attempt to make us believe He is not. The Lord IS good, period.
ReplyDeleteSecond, the following statement can come across as having delusions of grandeur, "I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle this situation." No human being has that power. Every one of us needs a little humility. We will never be perfect and we do not need to do something grand for Him to love us. It's about an internal change of heart. God knows our true hearts...
Third, know that my top two spiritual gifts are Faith and Mercy. I state this because they do not allow me to lead one astray nor manipulate my gifts to my advantage or personal gain. God led me to write this as the following is a must read: Until we allow the Lord, our Father, to fully take the reigns/wheel, we WILL be led astray. It is not true that we will go to Heaven solely bc we accept Jesus as our Savior. We must also witness and develop that relationship with Christ, living a life of Grace.
Four, how can you (or anyone) state that you are concerned over other souls while you are rationalizing your own sins? This is the devil's work. Don't let him win. He loves pride and feeds on it. Most people guilty of it are so caught up in the devil's deception that they don't even realize it. The devil (who reigns over the earth) uses people as pawns in his plan to corrupt souls. Yes, this is scary, though that's Spiritual Warfare for you.
*Just remember, Jamie being an overcomer is a daily battle. One of the single most difficult things in this world is facing that person in the mirror and staring down our demons. It's a tall order, though a must to have true change. Has the devil led me astray? How do you think I know this battle so well? Absolutely. Only through Him (you or I and everyone) can we be an overcomer. The Lord wants us to lead by His example. As a whole, no person is better than another. We are part of His plan as we all have a key to the puzzle. God is Love, therefore the only things produced from love will be light, grace and joy. The devil is sin, so the only thing spawned will be darkness, deception, broken toes, and broken hearts.
Thank you for your comments. I'm certain that the eternal fate of anyone does not rest on my shoulders. I was stating that the pressure I felt made it seem that way. Though I know it isn't true. No, I'm not that powerful. Nor do I wish to be.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's fair to insinuate that I have no regard for the souls of others because I am "rationalizing my own sins." Yes, I freely admitted in this post that I have done that. I also stated just prior to that, that rationalizing is something I would never have thought was acceptable to do. In addition to that, claiming that someone else does not care for others' souls based on their sinful actions is an inaccurate statement. I think we can agree that we all have sinful actions and/or thoughts every day. I think we can agree that doesn't mean we don't care for the spiritual welfare of others.
If you would like to discuss my personal experience, please email me directly. Jamie.wincey@gmail.com. No further anonymous comments will be published.
ReplyDelete