Step Into the Fight

 It's no secret that for months I've been on a hiatus. From life, really. I've just been doing enough to survive, running enough to keep myself from thinking, and posting enough to let people know I'm "okay." But here's the thing. I am not okay. I've been drifting further away from God, day by day. Often times I think of how strong of a bond we had and how trusting  I was with every facet of my life and I wonder how I got to this place. The simplest answer I have at this point is one bad decision at a time. It might have been a small one, a huge one, or an in-between one. But you don't get here with just one mistake.

 If you've read my previous posts, you'll see a lot of pain. You'll also see a lot of redemption. Some of the pain was self-inflicted and some was just life-inflicted. One thing that all of these major events in my life have in common is this: they brought me closer to Jesus. I would have never chosen to have lost my dad to cancer when I was twenty three. I would have not chosen to get pregnant just before graduating college. I definitely would not have started off the first years of our marriage contemplating divorce. But those things are part of who I was, and they are part of how God made me who I am. 

 Early this morning I had a dream that jolted me awake. This was the most horrific nightmare I have ever experienced. There was a tragedy that involved one of our children. When I woke up, I was paralyzed. When I could finally speak, I woke up my husband and cried hysterically. I started to pray. Eventually, I did fall back asleep. But I was changed. 

 To me, this was more than just a dream. It was a reality check. It affected me so deeply, that I began to question what if something similar happened? What if any kind of life-changing event happened? I am so unprepared for that, it scares me. I don't want to wait for a sudden wake-up call from the Lord to draw me close to Him again. I don't want to wait for another experience to shake me to the core before I start to seek Jesus' face. 

 It starts today. It starts now. Yes, I will fall and I will get back up. I might fall and stumble trying to get up for months before I actually find my footing. But I know this: I am never too far gone, and neither are you.

We Are At War

 God be my hands. I have zero capability to write on my own. I’ve known that, logically, for a while. But now I know it because I am experiencing it. I have surrendered to full dependence on God. I have accepted that I require full dependence on God to write, to pray, to get up each morning, and to breathe.  With full transparency, I admit that only part of me recognizes the full dependence on God that I require. The other part of me only needs me. That part seeks to fulfill selfish desires. That part of me looks back at the last few years of my life devoted to Christ and wonders how I got here. The confusion and chaos causes me to question the goodness of the Lord and his interest in me as a person.  I believe most people can say they have experienced a splitting of desires resulting from Christ’s spirit in them battling with their own sinful nature. This is more than that. It is more difficult, more confusing, and more evil. Because the place I have found myself is not what even my own flesh desires. In all honesty, I hate it.

 I still haven’t determined how I got to this place. But I can describe it. The first signs I had that something was terribly wrong were thoughts. Suddenly things that I wouldn’t dream of doing became acceptable, in my mind. I’d convinced myself that my marriage was never going to last forever.  I rationalized actions that God’s truth says are not okay. The scariest part of this battle is that I had no concern of who knew or who saw what was going on. To some degree, that is still true. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I need prescription medicine at night to turn my brain “off.”

 As if the mental and emotional parts of this journey are not enough, I now have physical signs of struggle. I walk through most of the day in a daze. I feel like I’m floating through the air and just trying to stay focused enough to take care of my daily tasks. I am constantly cold and shaky most of the time. I still don’t know how this is related to what is going on inside, but I know it is.

 At this moment I am in the heat of an incredibly intense battle. The battle is not over my soul, I am certain that I already belong to God. But the battle is over the souls of others. I feel an unbearable amount of pressure that the eternity of people I love is at stake. I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle this situation. But even in this moment, when I feel my heart being ripped in two, I hear God speak to me. “Step out of the way. This is my battle, and I’ve already won. You are going through this for me, and I will carry you through.”  Even I don’t know what the outcome will be. I know that God will use this for His glory. Right now I am just praying that it will be over soon.

Dear Sponsored Child

 Dear Sponsored Child,

 Recent changes to the requirements of World Vision employees have been made. I strongly disagree with the allowances they have made, so I have decided to withdraw my contribution that provides much needed help for you and your community. I know you struggle daily to get clean water, food, and other necessities. But, you see, here in America we have so much extra time and money that we can pick and choose to whom we want to give it. Only certain organizations are worthy of my contribution, and now World Vision is not one of them. They previously did not allow those who struggled with sexual sin to work for them, but now they do. Can you imagine?! Soon they will let any sinner work for them. I just can't risk that, so I'm having to let you go. I really do hope that by taking your help away, World Vision will change their regulations and you will be able to have clean water and medicine once again. 

                    

Sincerely & with much love,

 Your Sponsor

  
 We sponsor a few children through World Vision and there is nothing that can really compare to it. I have to admit that we don't write to our kids nearly as much as we should, but we do still get letters. I love seeing that orange and white envelope come with a stamp from a foreign country. Our oldest girl, who we specifically chose because she was older, writes the most. She lives in Kenya and the stamps are just beautiful. They send pictures of things they have bought with our monetary Christmas gift. Last year someone bought a bed. Other things they have purchased are school supplies, clothes, and even a keyboard! Let me just say that we do not give a whole lot compared to American standards, but the money goes a very long way.

 With all of that being said, I can not imagine pulling out of these relationships for any reason. But I have read from a few different sources that professed Christians have ended 2000-5000 sponsorships. I really don't know if I'm more sad or more angry. The reason: World Vision made a decision to recognize same-sex marriages in their policy that prohibits sex outside of marriage. I won't even approach that topic. 

 Shortly after the announcement, I shared simply what my choice was on the subject. I like to tap into current issues and admittedly I love to ruffle feathers. Christian feathers. As a Christian who already sponsored several children through World Vision, I wanted to share my view. Here it is:

 I want to be transparent. I was not intending the status to convey that we would sponsor more children. If we had felt called to do that, we certainly would have. I just meant that I would be holding on tight to the ones we already had.

 Here's where I get to the part that makes Christians uncomfortable. Shame on us. In a decision so big that it affects the entire world, we really made Christ look hateful. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with the decision they made. It is not my place to judge the decisions of others, whether it be other individuals or organizations. It is my place to love, and to love with reckless abandon. 

 I am by no means saying to give to things that are overtly against the teachings of God. If you do not feel comfortable sponsoring children or more children with this ministry because of their choice, then don't. But to threaten to drop or to act on your judgment and drop children is, frankly, disgusting. By doing this, we are using manipulation to control the organization we so freely supported. Not to mention, we are causing starving and sick children to suffer at our hands.

 "But God said...and He wouldn't want..." Okay. Let's go there. Do you believe that when God called you to sponsor your child or children that He knew what choices were ahead? If that is true, then we should trust God to do what He alone has the authority to do: convict and correct. By using our wallet to get what we believe is "right," we are acting as the Holy Spirit of leaders at World Vision. We are acting as God. A hateful, manipulating, self-righteous god. 

 Many of us know that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. The second is love your neighbor. You may not know that when speaking to Jesus, a man stated "to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." (Mark 12:33 NIV) To this, Jesus told the man that he was wise. So if you aren't giving out of love, then don't give.

          If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. (1 Corinthians 13, MSG)