God be my hands. I
have zero capability to write on my own. I’ve known that, logically, for a
while. But now I know it because I am experiencing it. I have surrendered to
full dependence on God. I have accepted that I require full dependence on God
to write, to pray, to get up each morning, and to breathe. With full transparency, I admit that only
part of me recognizes the full dependence on God that I require. The other part
of me only needs me. That part seeks to fulfill selfish desires. That part of
me looks back at the last few years of my life devoted to Christ and wonders
how I got here. The confusion and chaos causes me to question the goodness of
the Lord and his interest in me as a person. I believe most people can say they have
experienced a splitting of desires resulting from Christ’s spirit in them
battling with their own sinful nature. This is more than that. It is more
difficult, more confusing, and more evil. Because the place I have found myself
is not what even my own flesh desires. In all honesty, I hate it.
I still haven’t
determined how I got to this place. But I can describe it. The first signs I
had that something was terribly wrong were thoughts. Suddenly things that I
wouldn’t dream of doing became acceptable, in my mind. I’d convinced myself
that my marriage was never going to last forever. I rationalized actions that God’s truth says
are not okay. The scariest part of this battle is that I had no concern of who
knew or who saw what was going on. To some degree, that is still true. I have
so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I need prescription medicine at
night to turn my brain “off.”
As if the mental and
emotional parts of this journey are not enough, I now have physical signs of
struggle. I walk through most of the day in a daze. I feel like I’m floating
through the air and just trying to stay focused enough to take care of my daily
tasks. I am constantly cold and shaky most of the time. I still don’t know how
this is related to what is going on inside, but I know it is.
At this moment I am
in the heat of an incredibly intense battle. The battle is not over my soul, I
am certain that I already belong to God. But the battle is over the souls of
others. I feel an unbearable amount of pressure that the eternity of people I
love is at stake. I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle
this situation. But even in this moment, when I feel my heart being ripped in
two, I hear God speak to me. “Step out of the way. This is my battle, and I’ve
already won. You are going through this for me, and I will carry you through.” Even I don’t know what the outcome will be. I
know that God will use this for His glory. Right now I am just praying that it
will be over soon.
