I wrote about this quite some time ago. Then, like many other unfinished or poorly-timed posts, I deleted it. Forever. Okay, not really forever, I'm sure someone somewhere could dig it up. You know what I mean. This post is extremely difficult for me to share and would actually be impossible for me to share if I weren't safely behind my computer screen. Just me. Just God and me.
With so much about abortion being discussed in the media and in both states to which I'm personally connected, I just knew. I just knew that today is the day and now is the time. I pray that someone will benefit from this part of my story. No matter what side of this debate you are on, I pray that this will shed some light on what the real issues might be. I pray that God will shine his light through me.
You have to pick a side, right? Pro-life? or pro-choice? But the reality is that it goes so much deeper than that. Because there are different scenarios, right? What if the mom was raped? What if the mom will die if action isn't taken to terminate the pregnancy? What if there are severe congenital defects? What if it's multiples and in order to save one or more you have to terminate one or more? I don't have any experience with any of those scenarios. I pray that I am never put in that situation. I also pray that if I am, God will bring me the wisdom and peace to make a decision that I can live with.
In more than 90% of cases (varies depending on what survey is used) women who have an abortion do so because of what are classified as social reasons. This encompasses everything from not being ready to have a child, not being able to afford a child, it would interfere with a job, education, etc. This is the one situation that I can identify with and feel that God has put me in this place for such a time as this.
Shortly after my dad died in 2005, I began to cope the only way I knew how. I checked out. I checked out of reality. I checked out of church. I checked out of everything that gave me any time to think. It came as somewhat of a shock to me in May 2005 to find out that I was pregnant. Pregnant, really? In short, I was careful. I knew it was possible, but not probable. Either way, it was true.
In the world's eyes I was doing pretty well for myself. I had graduated from a graduate program. I wasn't into drugs and only drank occasionally. I was twenty-three, a great age to become a mother. In hindsight I can see that most worldly people wouldn't judge me for not having a wedding band on my finger when I would clearly be showing. But I was raised in the church. So I knew how to feel in this situation- guilty, trashy, ashamed. I hated myself. I didn't hate myself for having sex. I hated myself for being pregnant. In my self-hatred I decided to permanently get rid of the reason for my disgust- my own child.
I went to the abortion clinic in the town I lived in, which happened to be in Texas. At the time, there was a mandatory 72 hour waiting period between the time the procedure was scheduled and the time of the actual procedure. Some may call this a "road-block," say it is "unnecessary," maybe even "ridiculous for women who have to travel for this procedure." I call it the most gracious, God-given 72 hours of my life. I have no idea who pushed for this law, but I'm so thankful for that person climbing the uphill battle to get it passed.
During that 72 hours, God intervened. I picked up a book, The Purpose Driven Life. I remember reading about no life being an "accident." I put it down. I knew it wasn't referring to me, but the tiny life that was growing. God was using this to show me that even though I messed up, what had happened was in his plan for me. I watched my nearly 2-year-old niece play and deep down I knew what I was doing. I spent hours thinking of the near impossibility of the whole thing... and the due date. January 7th, 2006. Exactly one year to the day of my father's death. I knew that this could never have happened the way it did if not for God.
So I called and canceled the termination procedure. I had no idea where I would go from there. But I knew where I was not going. I went to the store and bought prenatal vitamins. I didn't open the bottle. For thirteen weeks I never opened the bottle. Then late one night I was driving alone in my car and heard a song, Held, by Natalie Grant. I prayed for the first time in a long time and just gave everything to God. That same night I accepted that I was going to have a baby. It was real. I opened the package of vitamins and I took one. That was the only one I ever took. It is heart breaking for me to say that the very next morning that sweet baby went to be with Jesus.
When I realized what was happening, I wasn't joyful. I wasn't hopeful. I was devastated. Because even though I didn't view the pregnancy as a positive time in my life, I knew I had lost a child. The physical and emotional recovery was difficult. I felt guilty for even considering abortion. I can't imagine bearing the weight of what would have been if I had followed through with that choice.
The reason I am pro-life isn't because I think there are all these horrible women out there having abortions. It's because I know there are great women who have made a mistake and don't know where else to turn. I'm so thankful that state governments are taking the initiative to put more barriers in place so that having an abortion procedure isn't as simple to schedule and follow-through with as a dental cleaning.
So many people on both sides of this issue view opposition to abortion as trying to save the life of a baby. Or perhaps it's viewed as trying to infringe on the rights of a grown woman. I'm so thankful for those extra barriers, that there was a required waiting period to combat impulsiveness. In my case, choosing not to have an abortion did not save the life of a child. It saved me.
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