Did I Marry "The One?"

 I've never believed in "the one." Not even in the sense of a "soul mate," but, you know the one Christians call "the one." The one God created just for you. I think that's just a Christian's way of saying we have soul mates- which you should know by now I don't think those exist. The good news for me is that I don't have to worry about if there is a "one" or not, because I'm already married. By God's standards, the man I married is my "one."

 Today marks six years since we said "I do." I remember the time leading up to that day pretty clearly. I had a lot of doubts. I wondered if I was making the correct decision, knowing that I may be far away from what I call "home" for the rest of my time on Earth. I don't really remember having those moments that take my breath away much during our dating period, but I know they were there. I thought then that I just had a realistic view of marriage. That it is work. It was not a fairy tale and there is no "happily ever after." Looking back on this, I have been very heartbroken for those that expect marriage to complete them, be their fairy tale, make them happy, etc. Because in all honesty, I don't believe I had those expectations... yet we still ended up hanging on by a thread.

 It's been almost exactly two years since I sat in a counselor's office and told her I was ready to give up. How did we get there? I can't speak for my husband, but I know for certain how I ended up there- I believed lies:

• He'll never open up to me. Lie.
• I'd be happier with someone else. Lie.
• I never really had those romantic feelings for him. Lie.
• God can't change us. Lie.
• He doesn't put me first. I don't think he ever will. Lie.
• He's the problem, not me. Lie.
• I've tried everything. Lie.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I feel like God has given us a gift. I could choose to keep it hidden, but I feel led to share. I pray that it helps someone who may be in the exact position I was in. God has transformed our relationship. He has renewed and redeemed our marriage. I am so grateful that words can't really describe it.

 At first glance, I identified a primary problem with me- entitlement. I wasn't happy and I deserved to be happy, right? That is a horrible, selfish point of view, by the way. But it was deeper than that. When I started to look into resentments, I discovered that I always had a part. Though my part varied, the flaws that led to that thought or action were the same. God really began to change me when I admitted that I am the one that is flawed.

 I'd love to give some long explanation of how God restored our marriage, but I don't really think it's that complicated. We asked him to. This we know- God wants us to stay married. If you ask God for something that you already know is his will, He will provide it. Maybe not the way you expect, but He will answer you. As our pastor said today, "pray like it depends on God, and work like it depends on you." Yes, there is a lot of work involved here. Similar to a car, if you do the work up front, there won't be a time where a huge overhaul is needed. Needless to say, we didn't do very much maintenance. I would equate it to getting an oil change every once in a while...like right before the engine blew. That didn't work very well. So we were in need of a large overhaul.

 God continues to work in our lives and change us every day. One thing that we have come to realize is that my husband and I could not be any more opposite than we are. Aside from both being self-proclaimed nerds, we don't have much else in common. While that makes things incredibly difficult in the beginning, I believe we are an amazing couple when we let God use us for his purpose.

 I find that marriage advice comes from the most unlikely sources. I think it's an example of using those that are weak in one area to show that He alone is the source of wisdom. So here's the best advice I have if you're at a crossroads in your marriage:

• Seek God first. There is a reason the Bible says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." It's because there will be times when there is only one strand holding on. I'll let you guess which strand that is.
• DO NOT seek advice, companionship, sympathy from anyone of the opposite sex. Just don't do it. At best you'll be having emotional needs met by someone who shouldn't be fulfilling that role. At worst you'll end up somewhere you never thought you'd be.
• Stay married. Like anything worth fighting for, you have to be willing to go through the trenches to come up stronger on the other side. Don't look for instant gratification because it most likely won't come. Instead, fight like crazy and set realistic goals.
• Don't believe that both spouses have to be willing and working for God to change your marriage. Yes, that is ideal, but change can happen if only one spouse is truly seeking God and working to improve the marriage.
• Don't go searching for the "feelings." They were there once. Like me, you may not remember most of the feelings before marriage.  I think that most people had some type of romantic feelings for their spouse at one time. Surprise! - those go away. But something deeper and much more meaningful replaces that. Commitment is a choice, not a feeling.
• Get help. Get truthful, biblically based, licensed help. Get help.

 I realize this may be a radical view of marriage, but I also believe God intended marriage to be a picture of his relationship with the church. Under what circumstances would He abandon us?

 To my groom: I chose to love you and to vow the rest of my life to you. Though we've both made mistakes, I'm thankful for a God who no longer remembers them. I choose to love you today, six years later and I pray for many more.