It's no secret that for months I've been on a hiatus. From life, really. I've just been doing enough to survive, running enough to keep myself from thinking, and posting enough to let people know I'm "okay." But here's the thing. I am not okay. I've been drifting further away from God, day by day. Often times I think of how strong of a bond we had and how trusting I was with every facet of my life and I wonder how I got to this place. The simplest answer I have at this point is one bad decision at a time. It might have been a small one, a huge one, or an in-between one. But you don't get here with just one mistake.
If you've read my previous posts, you'll see a lot of pain. You'll also see a lot of redemption. Some of the pain was self-inflicted and some was just life-inflicted. One thing that all of these major events in my life have in common is this: they brought me closer to Jesus. I would have never chosen to have lost my dad to cancer when I was twenty three. I would have not chosen to get pregnant just before graduating college. I definitely would not have started off the first years of our marriage contemplating divorce. But those things are part of who I was, and they are part of how God made me who I am.
Early this morning I had a dream that jolted me awake. This was the most horrific nightmare I have ever experienced. There was a tragedy that involved one of our children. When I woke up, I was paralyzed. When I could finally speak, I woke up my husband and cried hysterically. I started to pray. Eventually, I did fall back asleep. But I was changed.
To me, this was more than just a dream. It was a reality check. It affected me so deeply, that I began to question what if something similar happened? What if any kind of life-changing event happened? I am so unprepared for that, it scares me. I don't want to wait for a sudden wake-up call from the Lord to draw me close to Him again. I don't want to wait for another experience to shake me to the core before I start to seek Jesus' face.
It starts today. It starts now. Yes, I will fall and I will get back up. I might fall and stumble trying to get up for months before I actually find my footing. But I know this: I am never too far gone, and neither are you.
