I haven't picked up my Bible in months. I have picked it up, thumbed through it, looked for references I used to know and live, rolled my eyes, and put it back down. My life is a mess. I still pray and I still confide in women that love the Lord and I still ignore what advice they give me. But I pray. I honestly, wholeheartedly pray. Usually my prayers consist of just a few words. I often wonder if they are heard, and at the same time I very clearly hear responses. The best place to find answers is in the Word of God. But what if you have no interest in searching there and your heart is so bitter you really don't care what it says anyway? God will still meet you where you are and speak into your heart.
My life is a mess. I said that, but it's still true just minutes later and I felt it needed repeating. My posts are purposefully vague to some degree, so you can try to guess all of the things I'm dealing with or just apply the content to your own life. I suggest the latter.
It's spring break. Most families gather up all the springy things and head for a trip to the beach or the pool or the mountains (why?). Some choose to stay close to home or stay home altogether, opting for a staycation. We have had many fun family spring breaks, both growing up and now as a mom. This spring break is different. I decided to bring my two boys to Florida and spend time with my sister. They love the cousin time and it's easier for me, because I don't have to constantly find entertainment. The men are doing their thing at their respective places of work, so it's a great break for all of us.
Driving to my sister's house takes about 5 hours. So with kids, it always takes more than 6. Who needs an hour to eat?! But they are kids and I knew they'd pass out right after lunch and I'd have at least an hour of car silence heaven. The weather reflected the mood perfectly; it was gray, threatening of rain, but not yet a downpour. I could feel the heavy humidity that always reminded me of my real home (San Antonio) and I enjoyed letting my thoughts fly as my filthy car flew down the road. The boys were silent in the backseat, and I occasionally looked back at their bobbing heads to make sure they were coming up for air. I replayed hundreds of choices, conversations, moments of laughter, breakdowns, feelings of guilt, hope, and ultimately grief. My time with me and the road seemed to pass quickly, and soon I heard little voices from the backseat again.
"Look boys, we are driving through the forest. That means we're almost there." The oldest chimed in with all the knowledge of forests that his five year old brain can hold. We passed a small area of dark smoke coming off the ground that looked to be a small forest fire. The flames were gone, and now rain had started falling soft, so I assured my boys that the small almost-fire wasn't going anywhere. That led into a discussion about large forest fires. "Do houses burn down...what about all the trees...what about the people that live there..?" I did my best to answer the questions with a small amount of compassion and a large amount of just plain facts. We agreed that people can not be replaced. Some things can never be replaced, but they are still just things. The three of us agreed on those important details. "But what about the trees?" asked the five year old. "They die." And that could have very well been the end of our forest fire lesson that day. But it wasn't.
"Well, the trees burn, but then they just have like the acorn inside, so after they burn down, more trees can grow again," says the boy. Hmm. "Oh yes, that's true." End of discussion. I honestly had no idea if that were true, but I was ready to be done talking about burning trees. I thought about that for a while. When the trees burn, then what? So like any well educated mother, I googled. Not for my son, for me.
If it were possible that new growth started from the complete disintegration of the old life of the tree, maybe that were possible in my life. Only one article seemed to really hit on what I was after. So I started to read. The more I read, the more I saw God's hand in every aspect of the life of a tree and the life of his precious child. In some forests, not only do fires bring about new life for trees, but the fires are necessary. They are necessary to spread the seeds, to spread life. Most fires, like in our lives, are caused by human hands. Some are caused by completely external sources, such as lightning. Just as the firestorms in our life don't vary based on what caused it, the fires of the forest rage regardless of the cause. And while they destroy everything that was once familiar and beautiful, you can guarantee there is something new and amazing ahead.
The life I once dreamed of is a distant memory. In all honesty, while many things contribute to the fire, I'll admit that my hands took the primary role. As I watch flames destroy all of the things, some replaceable and some not, I know I have one priority. To keep all of the people close to me safe from the fire and to start to see the good in what is coming. A brand new forest.
