To Save a Child- Part 2

There is so much I wanted to share about the issue of abortion that I felt the need for more than one post. Part 1 is a brief recollection of my story and how it relates to the current law in Alabama and the bill that was recently shut down by the Texas senate. Part 2 is a summary of my personal beliefs about what our priorities, as Christians, should be regarding this issue.

 

 A very important part of my story, that I left out due to length, is that I visited a crisis pregnancy center. A wonderful, loving, caring woman helped me to understand the many options that I had. She did not exclude abortion from those options, but simply stated that she believed, personally, that it was not the best choice. Other options included adoption and raising the baby myself. Unfortunately, at that time they did not have an ultrasound machine. I honestly think that would have helped me to see the picture, literally, more clearly. What I remember most about the pregnancy center is not what was discussed or what information I was given. I remember the love she showed me. When I told her about my decision to terminate the pregnancy, she didn't gasp or get angry. She just loved me.

 

 This is a call to Christians to put their initial thoughts and emotions aside for the sake of Christ. What I've learned about emotions is that they are a signal. In this case, they might be a signal that something is wrong, frightening, or out of our control. But we do not have to react from a place of anger or judgment based on those emotions.

 

 I honestly don't believe we are accomplishing much by picketing, protesting, or calling names. The better approach would be to love and support the pregnant women that feel they have no where else to turn. There are many crisis pregnancy centers that do a great job of providing counseling, ultrasound, and basic needs for these women.

 

 Another responsibility we have is to show forgiveness. Maybe there are women who have chosen to have an abortion and do not feel they have made a mistake. We still forgive. There are also some who have terminated a pregnancy and feel remorse or guilt. We should be anxiously waiting to provide forgiveness and support.

 

 Locally, Choose Life North Alabama does a great job at supporting women in all stages of their pregnancy. They also provide care after the baby is born and have support groups for women who have terminated a pregnancy. If you are truly concerned about what is happening to all of these tiny lives, look for an organization that is making a difference in the lives of women and contribute.

To Save a Child-Part 1

 I wrote about this quite some time ago. Then, like many other unfinished or poorly-timed posts, I deleted it. Forever. Okay, not really forever, I'm sure someone somewhere could dig it up. You know what I mean. This post is extremely difficult for me to share and would actually be impossible for me to share if I weren't safely behind my computer screen. Just me. Just God and me.

 

 With so much about abortion being discussed in the media and in both states to which I'm personally connected, I just knew. I just knew that today is the day and now is the time.  I pray that someone will benefit from this part of my story. No matter what side of this debate you are on, I pray that this will shed some light on what the real issues might be. I pray that God will shine his light through me. 

 

 You have to pick a side, right? Pro-life? or pro-choice? But the reality is that it goes so much deeper than that. Because there are different scenarios, right? What if the mom was raped? What if the mom will die if action isn't taken to terminate the pregnancy? What if there are severe congenital defects? What if it's multiples and in order to save one or more you have to terminate one or more? I don't have any experience with any of those scenarios. I pray that I am never put in that situation. I also pray that if I am, God will bring me the wisdom and peace to make a decision that I can live with.

 

 In more than 90% of cases (varies depending on what survey is used) women who have an abortion do so because of what are classified as social reasons. This encompasses everything from not being ready to have a child, not being able to afford a child, it would interfere with a job, education, etc. This is the one situation that I can identify with and feel that God has put me in this place for such a time as this.

 

 Shortly after my dad died in 2005, I began to cope the only way I knew how. I checked out. I checked out of reality. I checked out of church. I checked out of everything that gave me any time to think. It came as somewhat of a shock to me in May 2005 to find out that I was pregnant. Pregnant, really? In short, I was careful. I knew it was possible, but not probable. Either way, it was true.

 

 In the world's eyes I was doing pretty well for myself. I had graduated from a graduate program. I wasn't into drugs and only drank occasionally. I was twenty-three, a great age to become a mother. In hindsight I can see that most worldly people wouldn't judge me for not having a wedding band on my finger when I would clearly be showing. But I was raised in the church. So I knew how to feel in this situation- guilty, trashy, ashamed. I hated myself. I didn't hate myself for having sex. I hated myself for being pregnant. In my self-hatred I decided to permanently get rid of the reason for my disgust- my own child.

 

 I went to the abortion clinic in the town I lived in, which happened to be in Texas. At the time, there was a mandatory 72 hour waiting period between the time the procedure was scheduled and the time of the actual procedure. Some may call this a "road-block," say it is "unnecessary," maybe even "ridiculous for women who have to travel for this procedure." I call it the most gracious, God-given 72 hours of my life. I have no idea who pushed for this law, but I'm so thankful for that person climbing the uphill battle to get it passed.

 

 During that 72 hours, God intervened. I picked up a book, The Purpose Driven Life. I remember reading about no life being an "accident." I put it down. I knew it wasn't referring to me, but the tiny life that was growing. God was using this to show me that even though I messed up, what had happened was in his plan for me. I watched my nearly 2-year-old niece play and deep down I knew what I was doing. I spent hours thinking of the near impossibility of the whole thing... and the due date. January 7th, 2006. Exactly one year to the day of my father's death. I knew that this could never have happened the way it did if not for God.

 

 So I called and canceled the termination procedure. I had no idea where I would go from there. But I knew where I was not going. I went to the store and bought prenatal vitamins. I didn't open the bottle. For thirteen weeks I never opened the bottle. Then late one night I was driving alone in my car and heard a song, Held, by Natalie Grant. I prayed for the first time in a long time and just gave everything to God. That same night I accepted that I was going to have a baby. It was real. I opened the package of vitamins and I took one. That was the only one I ever took. It is heart breaking for me to say that the very next morning that sweet baby went to be with Jesus.

 

 When I realized what was happening, I wasn't joyful. I wasn't hopeful. I was devastated. Because even though I didn't view the pregnancy as a positive time in my life, I knew I had lost a child. The physical and emotional recovery was difficult. I felt guilty for even considering abortion. I can't imagine bearing the weight of what would have been if I had followed through with that choice.

 

 The reason I am pro-life isn't because I think there are all these horrible women out there having abortions. It's because I know there are great women who have made a mistake and don't know where else to turn. I'm so thankful that state governments are taking the initiative to put more barriers in place so that having an abortion procedure isn't as simple to schedule and follow-through with as a dental cleaning.

 

 So many people on both sides of this issue view opposition to abortion as trying to save the life of a baby. Or perhaps it's viewed as trying to infringe on the rights of a grown woman. I'm so thankful for those extra barriers, that there was a required waiting period to combat impulsiveness. In my case, choosing not to have an abortion did not save the life of a child. It saved me.

 

 

 

Did I Marry "The One?"

 I've never believed in "the one." Not even in the sense of a "soul mate," but, you know the one Christians call "the one." The one God created just for you. I think that's just a Christian's way of saying we have soul mates- which you should know by now I don't think those exist. The good news for me is that I don't have to worry about if there is a "one" or not, because I'm already married. By God's standards, the man I married is my "one."

 Today marks six years since we said "I do." I remember the time leading up to that day pretty clearly. I had a lot of doubts. I wondered if I was making the correct decision, knowing that I may be far away from what I call "home" for the rest of my time on Earth. I don't really remember having those moments that take my breath away much during our dating period, but I know they were there. I thought then that I just had a realistic view of marriage. That it is work. It was not a fairy tale and there is no "happily ever after." Looking back on this, I have been very heartbroken for those that expect marriage to complete them, be their fairy tale, make them happy, etc. Because in all honesty, I don't believe I had those expectations... yet we still ended up hanging on by a thread.

 It's been almost exactly two years since I sat in a counselor's office and told her I was ready to give up. How did we get there? I can't speak for my husband, but I know for certain how I ended up there- I believed lies:

• He'll never open up to me. Lie.
• I'd be happier with someone else. Lie.
• I never really had those romantic feelings for him. Lie.
• God can't change us. Lie.
• He doesn't put me first. I don't think he ever will. Lie.
• He's the problem, not me. Lie.
• I've tried everything. Lie.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I feel like God has given us a gift. I could choose to keep it hidden, but I feel led to share. I pray that it helps someone who may be in the exact position I was in. God has transformed our relationship. He has renewed and redeemed our marriage. I am so grateful that words can't really describe it.

 At first glance, I identified a primary problem with me- entitlement. I wasn't happy and I deserved to be happy, right? That is a horrible, selfish point of view, by the way. But it was deeper than that. When I started to look into resentments, I discovered that I always had a part. Though my part varied, the flaws that led to that thought or action were the same. God really began to change me when I admitted that I am the one that is flawed.

 I'd love to give some long explanation of how God restored our marriage, but I don't really think it's that complicated. We asked him to. This we know- God wants us to stay married. If you ask God for something that you already know is his will, He will provide it. Maybe not the way you expect, but He will answer you. As our pastor said today, "pray like it depends on God, and work like it depends on you." Yes, there is a lot of work involved here. Similar to a car, if you do the work up front, there won't be a time where a huge overhaul is needed. Needless to say, we didn't do very much maintenance. I would equate it to getting an oil change every once in a while...like right before the engine blew. That didn't work very well. So we were in need of a large overhaul.

 God continues to work in our lives and change us every day. One thing that we have come to realize is that my husband and I could not be any more opposite than we are. Aside from both being self-proclaimed nerds, we don't have much else in common. While that makes things incredibly difficult in the beginning, I believe we are an amazing couple when we let God use us for his purpose.

 I find that marriage advice comes from the most unlikely sources. I think it's an example of using those that are weak in one area to show that He alone is the source of wisdom. So here's the best advice I have if you're at a crossroads in your marriage:

• Seek God first. There is a reason the Bible says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." It's because there will be times when there is only one strand holding on. I'll let you guess which strand that is.
• DO NOT seek advice, companionship, sympathy from anyone of the opposite sex. Just don't do it. At best you'll be having emotional needs met by someone who shouldn't be fulfilling that role. At worst you'll end up somewhere you never thought you'd be.
• Stay married. Like anything worth fighting for, you have to be willing to go through the trenches to come up stronger on the other side. Don't look for instant gratification because it most likely won't come. Instead, fight like crazy and set realistic goals.
• Don't believe that both spouses have to be willing and working for God to change your marriage. Yes, that is ideal, but change can happen if only one spouse is truly seeking God and working to improve the marriage.
• Don't go searching for the "feelings." They were there once. Like me, you may not remember most of the feelings before marriage.  I think that most people had some type of romantic feelings for their spouse at one time. Surprise! - those go away. But something deeper and much more meaningful replaces that. Commitment is a choice, not a feeling.
• Get help. Get truthful, biblically based, licensed help. Get help.

 I realize this may be a radical view of marriage, but I also believe God intended marriage to be a picture of his relationship with the church. Under what circumstances would He abandon us?

 To my groom: I chose to love you and to vow the rest of my life to you. Though we've both made mistakes, I'm thankful for a God who no longer remembers them. I choose to love you today, six years later and I pray for many more.