Surviving the Fire

I haven't picked up my Bible in months. I have picked it up, thumbed through it, looked for references I used to know and live, rolled my eyes, and put it back down. My life is a mess. I still pray and I still confide in women that love the Lord and I still ignore what advice they give me. But I pray. I honestly, wholeheartedly pray. Usually my prayers consist of just a few words. I often wonder if they are heard, and at the same time I very clearly hear responses. The best place to find answers  is in the Word of God. But what if you have no interest in searching there and your heart is so bitter  you really don't care what it says anyway? God will still meet you where you are and speak into your heart. 

 My life is a mess. I said that, but it's still true just minutes later and I felt it needed repeating. My posts are purposefully vague to some degree, so you can try to guess all of the things I'm dealing with or just apply the content to your own life. I suggest the latter. 

 It's spring break. Most families gather up all the springy things and head for a trip to the beach or the pool or the mountains (why?). Some choose to stay close to home or stay home altogether, opting for a staycation. We have had many fun family spring breaks, both growing up and now as a mom. This spring break is different. I decided to bring my two boys to Florida and spend time with my sister. They love the cousin time and it's easier for me, because I don't have to constantly find entertainment. The men are doing their thing at their respective places of work, so it's a great break for all of us. 

 Driving to my sister's house takes about 5 hours. So with kids, it always takes more than 6. Who needs an hour to eat?! But they are kids and I knew they'd pass out right after lunch and I'd have at least an hour of car silence heaven. The weather reflected the mood perfectly; it was gray, threatening of rain, but not yet a downpour. I could feel the heavy humidity that always reminded me of my real home (San Antonio) and I enjoyed letting my thoughts fly as my filthy car flew down the road. The boys were silent in the backseat, and I occasionally looked back at their bobbing heads to make sure they were coming up for air. I replayed hundreds of choices, conversations, moments of laughter, breakdowns, feelings of guilt, hope, and ultimately grief. My time with me and the road seemed to pass quickly, and soon I heard little voices from the backseat again. 

 "Look boys, we are driving through the forest. That means we're almost there." The oldest chimed in with all the knowledge of forests that his five year old brain can hold. We passed a small area of dark smoke coming off the ground that looked to be a small forest fire. The flames were gone, and now rain had started falling soft, so I assured my boys that the small almost-fire wasn't going anywhere. That led into a discussion about large forest fires. "Do houses burn down...what about all the trees...what about the people that live there..?" I did my best to answer the questions with a small amount of compassion and a large amount of just plain facts. We agreed that people can not be replaced. Some things can never be replaced, but they are still just things. The three of us agreed on those important details. "But what about the trees?" asked the five year old. "They die." And that could have very well been the end of our forest fire lesson that day. But it wasn't.

 "Well, the trees burn, but then they just have like the acorn inside, so after they burn down, more trees can grow again," says the boy. Hmm. "Oh yes, that's true." End of discussion. I honestly had no idea if that were true, but I was ready to be done talking about burning trees. I thought about that for a while. When the trees burn, then what? So like any well educated mother, I googled. Not for my son, for me. 

 If it were possible that new growth started from the complete disintegration of the old life of the tree, maybe that were possible in my life. Only one article seemed to really hit on what I was after. So I started to read. The more I read, the more I saw God's hand in every aspect of the life of a tree and the life of his precious child. In some forests, not only do fires bring about new life for trees, but the fires are necessary. They are necessary to spread the seeds, to spread life. Most fires, like in our lives, are caused by human hands. Some are caused by completely external sources, such as lightning. Just as the firestorms in our life don't vary based on what caused it, the fires of the forest rage regardless of the cause. And while they destroy everything that was once familiar and beautiful, you can guarantee there is something new and amazing ahead. 

 The life I once dreamed of is a distant memory. In all honesty, while many things contribute to the fire, I'll admit that my hands took the primary role. As I watch flames destroy all of the things, some replaceable and some not, I know I have one priority. To keep all of the people close to me safe from the fire and to start to see the good in what is coming. A brand new forest. 

Step Into the Fight

 It's no secret that for months I've been on a hiatus. From life, really. I've just been doing enough to survive, running enough to keep myself from thinking, and posting enough to let people know I'm "okay." But here's the thing. I am not okay. I've been drifting further away from God, day by day. Often times I think of how strong of a bond we had and how trusting  I was with every facet of my life and I wonder how I got to this place. The simplest answer I have at this point is one bad decision at a time. It might have been a small one, a huge one, or an in-between one. But you don't get here with just one mistake.

 If you've read my previous posts, you'll see a lot of pain. You'll also see a lot of redemption. Some of the pain was self-inflicted and some was just life-inflicted. One thing that all of these major events in my life have in common is this: they brought me closer to Jesus. I would have never chosen to have lost my dad to cancer when I was twenty three. I would have not chosen to get pregnant just before graduating college. I definitely would not have started off the first years of our marriage contemplating divorce. But those things are part of who I was, and they are part of how God made me who I am. 

 Early this morning I had a dream that jolted me awake. This was the most horrific nightmare I have ever experienced. There was a tragedy that involved one of our children. When I woke up, I was paralyzed. When I could finally speak, I woke up my husband and cried hysterically. I started to pray. Eventually, I did fall back asleep. But I was changed. 

 To me, this was more than just a dream. It was a reality check. It affected me so deeply, that I began to question what if something similar happened? What if any kind of life-changing event happened? I am so unprepared for that, it scares me. I don't want to wait for a sudden wake-up call from the Lord to draw me close to Him again. I don't want to wait for another experience to shake me to the core before I start to seek Jesus' face. 

 It starts today. It starts now. Yes, I will fall and I will get back up. I might fall and stumble trying to get up for months before I actually find my footing. But I know this: I am never too far gone, and neither are you.

We Are At War

 God be my hands. I have zero capability to write on my own. I’ve known that, logically, for a while. But now I know it because I am experiencing it. I have surrendered to full dependence on God. I have accepted that I require full dependence on God to write, to pray, to get up each morning, and to breathe.  With full transparency, I admit that only part of me recognizes the full dependence on God that I require. The other part of me only needs me. That part seeks to fulfill selfish desires. That part of me looks back at the last few years of my life devoted to Christ and wonders how I got here. The confusion and chaos causes me to question the goodness of the Lord and his interest in me as a person.  I believe most people can say they have experienced a splitting of desires resulting from Christ’s spirit in them battling with their own sinful nature. This is more than that. It is more difficult, more confusing, and more evil. Because the place I have found myself is not what even my own flesh desires. In all honesty, I hate it.

 I still haven’t determined how I got to this place. But I can describe it. The first signs I had that something was terribly wrong were thoughts. Suddenly things that I wouldn’t dream of doing became acceptable, in my mind. I’d convinced myself that my marriage was never going to last forever.  I rationalized actions that God’s truth says are not okay. The scariest part of this battle is that I had no concern of who knew or who saw what was going on. To some degree, that is still true. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I need prescription medicine at night to turn my brain “off.”

 As if the mental and emotional parts of this journey are not enough, I now have physical signs of struggle. I walk through most of the day in a daze. I feel like I’m floating through the air and just trying to stay focused enough to take care of my daily tasks. I am constantly cold and shaky most of the time. I still don’t know how this is related to what is going on inside, but I know it is.

 At this moment I am in the heat of an incredibly intense battle. The battle is not over my soul, I am certain that I already belong to God. But the battle is over the souls of others. I feel an unbearable amount of pressure that the eternity of people I love is at stake. I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle this situation. But even in this moment, when I feel my heart being ripped in two, I hear God speak to me. “Step out of the way. This is my battle, and I’ve already won. You are going through this for me, and I will carry you through.”  Even I don’t know what the outcome will be. I know that God will use this for His glory. Right now I am just praying that it will be over soon.