We Are At War

 God be my hands. I have zero capability to write on my own. I’ve known that, logically, for a while. But now I know it because I am experiencing it. I have surrendered to full dependence on God. I have accepted that I require full dependence on God to write, to pray, to get up each morning, and to breathe.  With full transparency, I admit that only part of me recognizes the full dependence on God that I require. The other part of me only needs me. That part seeks to fulfill selfish desires. That part of me looks back at the last few years of my life devoted to Christ and wonders how I got here. The confusion and chaos causes me to question the goodness of the Lord and his interest in me as a person.  I believe most people can say they have experienced a splitting of desires resulting from Christ’s spirit in them battling with their own sinful nature. This is more than that. It is more difficult, more confusing, and more evil. Because the place I have found myself is not what even my own flesh desires. In all honesty, I hate it.

 I still haven’t determined how I got to this place. But I can describe it. The first signs I had that something was terribly wrong were thoughts. Suddenly things that I wouldn’t dream of doing became acceptable, in my mind. I’d convinced myself that my marriage was never going to last forever.  I rationalized actions that God’s truth says are not okay. The scariest part of this battle is that I had no concern of who knew or who saw what was going on. To some degree, that is still true. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I need prescription medicine at night to turn my brain “off.”

 As if the mental and emotional parts of this journey are not enough, I now have physical signs of struggle. I walk through most of the day in a daze. I feel like I’m floating through the air and just trying to stay focused enough to take care of my daily tasks. I am constantly cold and shaky most of the time. I still don’t know how this is related to what is going on inside, but I know it is.

 At this moment I am in the heat of an incredibly intense battle. The battle is not over my soul, I am certain that I already belong to God. But the battle is over the souls of others. I feel an unbearable amount of pressure that the eternity of people I love is at stake. I feel that their final outcome rests solely on how I handle this situation. But even in this moment, when I feel my heart being ripped in two, I hear God speak to me. “Step out of the way. This is my battle, and I’ve already won. You are going through this for me, and I will carry you through.”  Even I don’t know what the outcome will be. I know that God will use this for His glory. Right now I am just praying that it will be over soon.

Dear Sponsored Child

 Dear Sponsored Child,

 Recent changes to the requirements of World Vision employees have been made. I strongly disagree with the allowances they have made, so I have decided to withdraw my contribution that provides much needed help for you and your community. I know you struggle daily to get clean water, food, and other necessities. But, you see, here in America we have so much extra time and money that we can pick and choose to whom we want to give it. Only certain organizations are worthy of my contribution, and now World Vision is not one of them. They previously did not allow those who struggled with sexual sin to work for them, but now they do. Can you imagine?! Soon they will let any sinner work for them. I just can't risk that, so I'm having to let you go. I really do hope that by taking your help away, World Vision will change their regulations and you will be able to have clean water and medicine once again. 

                    

Sincerely & with much love,

 Your Sponsor

  
 We sponsor a few children through World Vision and there is nothing that can really compare to it. I have to admit that we don't write to our kids nearly as much as we should, but we do still get letters. I love seeing that orange and white envelope come with a stamp from a foreign country. Our oldest girl, who we specifically chose because she was older, writes the most. She lives in Kenya and the stamps are just beautiful. They send pictures of things they have bought with our monetary Christmas gift. Last year someone bought a bed. Other things they have purchased are school supplies, clothes, and even a keyboard! Let me just say that we do not give a whole lot compared to American standards, but the money goes a very long way.

 With all of that being said, I can not imagine pulling out of these relationships for any reason. But I have read from a few different sources that professed Christians have ended 2000-5000 sponsorships. I really don't know if I'm more sad or more angry. The reason: World Vision made a decision to recognize same-sex marriages in their policy that prohibits sex outside of marriage. I won't even approach that topic. 

 Shortly after the announcement, I shared simply what my choice was on the subject. I like to tap into current issues and admittedly I love to ruffle feathers. Christian feathers. As a Christian who already sponsored several children through World Vision, I wanted to share my view. Here it is:

 I want to be transparent. I was not intending the status to convey that we would sponsor more children. If we had felt called to do that, we certainly would have. I just meant that I would be holding on tight to the ones we already had.

 Here's where I get to the part that makes Christians uncomfortable. Shame on us. In a decision so big that it affects the entire world, we really made Christ look hateful. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with the decision they made. It is not my place to judge the decisions of others, whether it be other individuals or organizations. It is my place to love, and to love with reckless abandon. 

 I am by no means saying to give to things that are overtly against the teachings of God. If you do not feel comfortable sponsoring children or more children with this ministry because of their choice, then don't. But to threaten to drop or to act on your judgment and drop children is, frankly, disgusting. By doing this, we are using manipulation to control the organization we so freely supported. Not to mention, we are causing starving and sick children to suffer at our hands.

 "But God said...and He wouldn't want..." Okay. Let's go there. Do you believe that when God called you to sponsor your child or children that He knew what choices were ahead? If that is true, then we should trust God to do what He alone has the authority to do: convict and correct. By using our wallet to get what we believe is "right," we are acting as the Holy Spirit of leaders at World Vision. We are acting as God. A hateful, manipulating, self-righteous god. 

 Many of us know that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. The second is love your neighbor. You may not know that when speaking to Jesus, a man stated "to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." (Mark 12:33 NIV) To this, Jesus told the man that he was wise. So if you aren't giving out of love, then don't give.

          If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. (1 Corinthians 13, MSG)

Lead Me To The Cross

 I don't believe anyone has ever been convinced to join the kingdom of God. Maybe some have been scared into it by the thought of an eternal hell. There is really no way for me to know, but I can share with you what I do know.

 

 When I was 13 years old, I first got a glimpse of who Jesus is. I was saddened over my choices as a young teenager and took a week of my summer to attend a Christian camp with a friend. It was the first time I remember asking for forgiveness. I knew I needed it. I came home from that camp with a changed heart and a changed mind. My sister was frustrated by my disapproval of certain television shows. She felt the need to inform me that my passion for Jesus would soon fade. Sadly, she was right.

 

 I lived a life of constant struggle. In my heart I knew what I believed and I knew I was making terrible choices. But I couldn't stop. I now realize that I couldn't stop because I was trying to do it on my own. Again, I was disappointed with myself. I did ask for forgiveness and I started over. Again, and again, and again. Paul is no stranger to this internal struggle that he describes in Romans 7:15.

 

 Thankfully, my life did change. But it didn't change without devastating heart break. Just a couple of years ago, I stopped being saddened and disappointed by my sin. I reached a point of grieving over it. I began to be sickened by the mistakes that I had made, and I finally admitted that there is nothing I can do to overcome it. The turning point for me was seeing the truth that by trying to do it alone, I am living a life that claims Jesus wasn't enough. Only Jesus can overcome, and He already has.

 

 Jesus was very clear in his communication with others that they aren't expected to clean up before approaching him. It is only after they come into contact with Jesus that they clearly understand how filthy they are. The same can be said of me, you, and every other person with which we come into contact.

 

 When we are trying to share the hope and love of Jesus Christ, our message should not be "you are sinning. Come to Jesus." It should be the complete opposite. We should reach out with the love of Christ and invite others to come to Jesus as they are. Come saddened, broken, unloved, hateful, prideful, judgmental, entitled... just come. It is not until we are in the light that we realize how dark it was.

 

 On the cross Jesus shouted "Tetelestai!" Literally it is translated "it is finished." It also was a term that was stamped on legal documents to denote that the debt had been paid. The term was put on a prisoner's file after he had served his time. It's incredibly amazing to see how Jesus used this word to encompass all He did for us. But it is meaningless to somebody who doesn't know they have a debt that needs to be paid. Someone who believes they have no prison time to serve, can't appreciate that someone else has served the time for them.

 

 It is absolutely not our place to inform others of what debt they need to pay. We are not the debt collectors. We can only show them the love of the one who is and pray that they will meet Him.

Behind the Masks

 You might have noticed recently that many of your facebook friends are sharing their 10-year look back facebook movie. Maybe you've even created one yourself. I didn't watch many of my friends' movies because they aren't real. Most people only share the best parts of their lives on social media. What you see on the screen are their "highlights." Add to this the fact that facebook movies only include the beginning and the 'most liked' photos and posts, and we are watching someone's best of their best. So when you are seeing someone's facebook movie, keep that in mind. What you are seeing is not what is going on in their actual, real life. 

 I was reminded of this when I watched an interview with Tom Hanks. He has made so many great movies, yet surprisingly he only watches them once. He stated that the reason he doesn't re-watch his own movies is because for him, it's not just watching a movie. He is watching a point in time when actual, real life things were going on in his actual, real life. He stated on an interview with Dave Letterman that he occasionally sees something he has made on cable and thinks "It was a Thursday, it was raining, I just had an argument with my son." To which Dave replies "What you try to do is remove that all-together...but when you see it, it brings all that right back." Then they agree, you just can't do it. But what we see is a seamless presentation of a story. Whether it is fiction or based on actual events, it is not the whole truth. 

 I have found, though, a couple of amazing women who gave the okay to share their Facebook movie along with their actual, real life stories. Keep in mind that these events they share occurred during the time they had a Facebook account. I also wanted to share my Facebook movie and the behind-the-scenes commentary, which you can find at the end of this post.

 

 "Wow! 8 years! I loved looking at all these pictures. But I have to be REAL. A lot of pictures during this time were deleted. What this video won't show is the pain, heartache, and struggle. My "blooper reel" would highlight my past struggle with an eating disorder, sex, alcohol, and cutting. It would magnify getting pregnant before marriage, and a very painful and hurtful previous marriage. BUT my ultimate highlight reel would magnify how God grabbed me IN that ditch and transformed my life! HE changed me and gave me peace and joy in the middle of my train-wrecked marriage, miscarriage and through a painful divorce. HE redeemed my life and has blessed me beyond what I could ever deserve!! I am so thankful for a Godly (and real) marriage, precious children, wonderful family and friends, and a GOD who saves" - Lauren

 "What a journey these past 10 years have been. There is a reason there are no photos from 2004-2007.... In the depths of addiction and pain, there thankfully are no photos of that part of my story. If this reel showed the whole story, you would see a deep struggle with alcoholism, drugs, sex and bodily mutilation. A desperate and empty life until I called out to The Lord and He rescued me. I met Jesus and found out what true love was all about. He turned my life around, healed my scars and gave me a brand new name. Because of Him I am still here to experience the blessing that this reel shows. Jesus did for me what I could never do for myself. His love gave me a reason to live and allowed me to live a life filled with the joy of knowing Him." - Danielle

 I honestly don't believe many pictures were deleted from my video. What you see is a pretty sweet life, and it really has been! That is, the life you see. But there is something that you don't see and you will never see. The reason I didn't delete pictures or posts is because I had another life. Part of me lived in a way that is so secret, there are no pictures and no posts as evidence that I ever lived that way. I'm so thankful that God reached down and pulled me up from the pit that I dug for myself. It has been a life-changing experience. Although you have no idea where in my 9-year facebook life that change occured, just like Tom Hanks, when I watch it I remember every moment. I am filled with emotion ranging from sadness to anger and ultimately to joy.

 Though every day is different and still filled with trials and disappointments, we have learned to lean on The Lord for strength. Let God bring that joy into your life. Don't ever be afraid to take off your mask and let others see the real you.

I Have A Gift

 There are items in our home that we regularly use for a different purpose than the one for which they were intended. A great example of this is our floor sweeper. It's purpose is to reach under the furniture and sweep all of the dust off of the floor. We often use it to retrieve toys or other small items that have accidently found their way to a place that we can not reach. We use it so much for this purpose that when I was cleaning, my oldest son asked me "what are you trying to get?"

 

 There are so many things that are commonly used for an alternate or additional purpose. A toothbrush. A toothbrush is a great scrubber. The ones that are recommended now are soft-bristle, so they aren't quite as effective as a scrubber. But they still work. We have used a toothbrush for scrubbing grout, getting stains out clothes, cleaning shoes, etc.

 

 Using tangible items for multiple purposes doesn't usually hurt anyone. But what if we started misusing other things? Some examples are a woman who uses her beauty to manipulate others; children and pets who use their cuteness to get out of trouble; people who use their intelligence for illegal purposes. One thing that these examples have in common is that they are God-given traits. We were all born with God-given gifts that are unique to each one of us.

 

 When we are born into God's kingdom, we are given a special gift. The gift is special because it is only given to followers of Christ, and it is only of value when we allow God to use it for his purpose. These are referred to as "spiritual gifts."

 

 I have the spiritual gift of discernment. I have taken many gifts tests, and this one always comes out on top. I'm not exactly sure of everything this gift encompasses, but I will share a way I have seen it manifested in my life. During a spiritual discussion with others I often find myself thinking "that's not true," or "yes, exactly." Many times I have no clue where this analyzing comes from, but I always research God's Word after the discussions and find answers that match what I felt at the moment. There is no logical explanation, it is just the Holy Spirit speaking to me and telling me what is truth and what is not.

 

 I know this sounds a whole lot like bragging. I'll admit it is a great gift to have. Sometimes I even remind my husband with the statement "I know, because I have the gift of discernment." Let me be honest. Just like the toothbrush, I have used my gift abrasively. Just like the examples above, I have used my gift to harm others.

 

 I have another personality trait, we'll call this one a flaw. It is the desire to be right. I have let this desire to be right interfere with God's plan for me and others. I have found myself dictating to others why I am right and they are wrong. If you are reading this and think "this is about me," you're probably right. But I assure you, you are not the only one I've done this to.

 

 I've spent time praying about how to appropriately use this for the good of God's kingdom and lift up others. The answer is very clear: I need to shut my mouth. When there is a believer that needs some help understanding something or verifying truth, I know they will ask me. I am mentoring a couple of young girls, and in that case I am free to speak truth into their lives. In love. After all, they did sign up for that. I can also use this gift to lift up others who need to hear that they are loved, forgiven, and cherished. The most important thing I must remember is that it is not about me being right, it is about God being right. I just need to move out of the way. AmIRight?