A Year Without Makeup- Day 1

Why no makeup?

 Nearly every woman in our society above the age of pre-teen wears makeup. Everyday. I have to include myself in that category because if I walk out of the house I usually have on some type of face cover. I've never worn much makeup, but foundation is a must for me. I have red cheeks and splotches, etc.
 The idea to forgo makeup for a year came to me today when I was getting ready and thinking about a story I heard. A woman covered up all of her mirrors and didn't concern herself with what she looked like for an entire year. I don't know the exact specifics, but I think she just rid herself of all beauty products. Of course, she wrote a book about this experience, which I have yet to read. But the story inspired me. Am I confident enough in my own skin without any "extras?" Do I believe that God is my only audience? Am I truly only concerned with what He sees in me?
 When I decided to attempt the year without makeup, the verse that came to mind was Proverbs 31:30. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." I notice the verse does not say 'don't take care of your appearance.' But I, personally, for me and only me, feel like my outward appearance is far more important to me that it really should be. I still want to be attractive to my husband and I know God wants that for me as well. Thankfully, I'm blessed with an amazing man that loves me AND my appearance without any cosmetics.

I'm not there yet

 So, I promised honesty on this blog. I hope some of you women (maybe even men) can relate to my thoughts and feelings about this journey. The reason I chose to do this is because, like I mentioned, looks are important to me. Very important. What other people see when they look at me and their opinion of what I look like matters to me. I started this blog to share what God is doing in me and believe me, I could not do this without God. I have to constantly remind myself that what strangers or friends or family think about me (especially my appearance) doesn't matter. The following are some of the thoughts I had when debating this decision-

• I look okay without makeup anyway
• I'm hispanic, so I have pretty good skin
• I can still fix my hair and wear really cute clothes. ooh, I need new clothes now
• I have a clarisonic. I definitely need that. I'll have to be strict with how I use it
• what about pictures? ooooh, those will be bad
• parties? yikes

I have to keep reminding myself that all these things are dumb and don't truly matter anyway. "It's not about appearance, it's not about me." Repeat.

How I'm breaking the rules

 I'm not at all ready to give up all my hair products. I very rarely fix my hair anyway, but it's something I do for a date or a party. And hello, tweezers! Someone would have to pry them out of my dead hands. I'm just gonna say it- I have one eyebrow. One. You can't tell that I was born with one giant eyebrow across my forehead because I tweeze the middle of it to make it look like two. I won't even talk about my mustache (I'm hispanic, see above). Also, I've given myself permission to wear lipgloss or chapstick. I love lipgloss and how my lips appear isn't really a big distraction for me.

So, as you can tell, I have a long way to go to get to that point of  'God is my only audience.' I admit that I'm only calling this a "goal," not a commitment. I'm nervous about parties, date night, church, etc. When most women will be "done up." But I know true beauty is within and I'm confident that God will use this to transform me. If only He'd transform that one eyebrow into two. Until then, I'll hold on tight to my tweezers.

I took at least 10 photos until I got an "acceptable"

The Hurt and The Healer

"If anything ever happens to my dad, I will die. I will. I'll die."

 I said those words to a friend of mine about a year before my dad passed away. And I wholeheartedly believed them. My dad and I had a special bond that many father/daughter relationships can identify with. Our love was strengthened by a common passion for Texas Tech sports, mostly football. Of course our relationship wasn't always great. I went through a time of heartbreaking rebellion in high school and some of that continued in college. But I'm so thankful that we spent some great times together before he passed away.
  For years the loss of my father identified who I was. It was the reason I was depressed. It was the reason I made bad decisions. It was the reason my husband couldn't identify with my pain. I blamed a lot of chaos on this single defining moment in my life. But at a moment when I knew I had hit bottom, I realized that the loss of my father hadn't caused the world of hurt that surrounded me- I had. I got help.
 Over the course of the last couple of years, I have worked to be a better person. In doing this, I realized that I could never be a better person on my own, which I already knew. So I started asking God to help me in specific ways. "God, take away my desire to control everything. God, take away my judgemental attitude." etc.  I never expected what He gave me- a completely new outlook on life. Suddenly, I could see God in a new light...and everywhere. Before this journey, I knew without a doubt that I had a relationship with Jesus Christ. But something was in the way of me experiencing that love to the fullest. I found out that the something was me and all of my character flaws.
 My dad became ill with malignant melanoma during the fall of 2004. I remember getting the news that he had some "lumps" on his liver on election day. By Christmas, he had lost all of his strength and we did very little celebrating. By New Year's Day, he was in the hospital. On January 7th I told him "I'll see you later." I knew that 'later' might mean much, much later. He passed away that night. Because of the timing, Christmas has been difficult for our family ever since. My dad loved Christmas and I always thought it was because of all the singing and cheer and the lights and gifts...snow...family...the list goes on. He never wanted us to have a hard time at Christmas. For years I have asked God "why? Why Christmas time?" With my eyes re-opened I feel like I finally have an answer. Of course I'm sad and I mourn the fact that we don't have him here anymore. Some songs are especially tough to hear. But in the midst of that pain, I'm overjoyed with celebrating my Savior's birth. I have finally grasped the importance of God himself coming to the Earth and living among us. Praise God for Christmas! God's answer to me is this- with such great joy and thanksgiving in my heart while celebrating the birth of Jesus, I hardly notice the hurt that is a small spec in comparison to the Healer.
 Mercy Me has a great song out right now called The Hurt and The Healer. For me, Christmas is a time when the hurt and the Healer collide.

Ephesians 4:20

 Exceedingly Abundantly Above

 I was always told "you can be anything you want to be." I really wanted to be an astronaut. Obviously, that didn't work out. I have bad eyesight, and when I was young that prevented you from flying. It's hard to be an astronaut if you don't know how to fly. So in my head I turned that quote into "you can be anything you want to be, except an astronaut, because you can't see well enough." Ok, a pharmacist, then. That's what I'll be. And I was. I've always been very honest about my career choice and I see no reason to hide it now. I wanted to be a pharmacist for the pay check. Not to be a billionaire, but to work 1/2 the amount of time other women work and still make good $.
 After my first child I continued to work full-time. That lasted 2 months. I knew I should cut back my hours and decided to cut them to 30. Over and over I debated this in my head and with God. 20 or 30? 20 or 30? Twenty will be better for my family, but thirty...the money! Ok, God. Thirty it is. When I broke the news to my boss, I was surprised to find out that the company I worked for only allowed full-time or half-time. No in-between. Ok, God. Twenty it is. I really enojoyed working twenty hours and spending the other time at home. It went well and I felt great, as long as I was at home. My work life was falling apart. I won't go into specifics, I'll just say that it was a terrible situation. I rarely had energy to spend time with my family when I got home. Many times I would burst out in anger or tears. About this same time I was newly pregnant with my second child. I knew I had to leave. I prayed for God to show me where to go. I looked for another job for weeks. I remember having this conversation with God-

Me- "God, please give me another job."
God- it is time to leave where you are
Me- "I know, but I need another job. Then I'll leave."
God- you don't trust me to provide for you
Me- "I do...it's just...I need to know where you are sending me."
God- it's time to leave

And I did. Because I was pregnant, I didn't see the purpose of job-searching right away. My husband and I agreed I'd look after the baby came. But something happened during those few months I was at home. God changed me. Staying at home with my son opened my life to new opportunitites that were not possible before. I started attending Bible study and women's get-togethers at church. I cooked and sat down with my family for dinner. I put my boy to bed every night and didn't have to say "good-night" over the phone. I spent every weekend with my family. I can be anything I want to be. And this is what I want to be. A wife. A mom. A woman who seeks Jesus and has godly friends. Of course, this is not ALL that I am. But I know that God has called me to be here, now.

 

Closing Thoughts

 Before G was born, I was given a book entitled Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson. Overall, I thought the book was informative. Mostly I read the book thinking thoughts like 'oh, that's interesting...so that's what's wrong with him...I know a dad like that...I know a mom like that...I find that hard to believe...etc.' But one thing stood out to me so much that I remember it four years later. "...many women today feel they have no choice but to get back to a job as soon as possible after giving birth. If you are one of them, let me say respectfully and compassionately that I understand the financial and emotional pressures you face. But to new mothers who have other options, I would strongly recommend that you not hand your babies over to child-care workers..." I'm sorry, WHAT?! I immediately told my husband "Dr. Dobson thinks that women should only work if they have no other choice financially! Isn't that stupid? God gave me this ability, it is part of who I am, I worked my tail off for six years! I have to work. I would be a terrible mother if I don't work. I could never be a stay-at-home-mom. I don't know how those moms do it. I would strangle my kids!" I often wonder if God smiled at me saying all of those things or laughed to himself. All of this thinking has changed, except the part where I want to strangle my kids. Praise God, He gives me the perfect amount of patience.
 Mona Lisa Smile. Things aren't always as they seem. The movie has been on the top of my list since it was first released. (Disclaimer: the movie is not a great family movie and definitely not one for children). There is something that I have always identified with in that movie. The brightest young woman in the class applies to law school at Yale and gets accepted. But instead of pursuing a career in law, she pursues her dream of having a family.
 "To you, a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want." -Joan, Mona Lisa Smile
 That movie was released in 2003. I was just begining my third year of pharmacy school. I guess even though I verbally protested being a stay-at-home-mom, somewhere deep down I knew that's what my heart longed for.
 This is what I want.

 


"pretend naptime"



My "mommy stays in the picture" picture



reading to little brother



My boys ridin' that train