The Hurt and The Healer

"If anything ever happens to my dad, I will die. I will. I'll die."

 I said those words to a friend of mine about a year before my dad passed away. And I wholeheartedly believed them. My dad and I had a special bond that many father/daughter relationships can identify with. Our love was strengthened by a common passion for Texas Tech sports, mostly football. Of course our relationship wasn't always great. I went through a time of heartbreaking rebellion in high school and some of that continued in college. But I'm so thankful that we spent some great times together before he passed away.
  For years the loss of my father identified who I was. It was the reason I was depressed. It was the reason I made bad decisions. It was the reason my husband couldn't identify with my pain. I blamed a lot of chaos on this single defining moment in my life. But at a moment when I knew I had hit bottom, I realized that the loss of my father hadn't caused the world of hurt that surrounded me- I had. I got help.
 Over the course of the last couple of years, I have worked to be a better person. In doing this, I realized that I could never be a better person on my own, which I already knew. So I started asking God to help me in specific ways. "God, take away my desire to control everything. God, take away my judgemental attitude." etc.  I never expected what He gave me- a completely new outlook on life. Suddenly, I could see God in a new light...and everywhere. Before this journey, I knew without a doubt that I had a relationship with Jesus Christ. But something was in the way of me experiencing that love to the fullest. I found out that the something was me and all of my character flaws.
 My dad became ill with malignant melanoma during the fall of 2004. I remember getting the news that he had some "lumps" on his liver on election day. By Christmas, he had lost all of his strength and we did very little celebrating. By New Year's Day, he was in the hospital. On January 7th I told him "I'll see you later." I knew that 'later' might mean much, much later. He passed away that night. Because of the timing, Christmas has been difficult for our family ever since. My dad loved Christmas and I always thought it was because of all the singing and cheer and the lights and gifts...snow...family...the list goes on. He never wanted us to have a hard time at Christmas. For years I have asked God "why? Why Christmas time?" With my eyes re-opened I feel like I finally have an answer. Of course I'm sad and I mourn the fact that we don't have him here anymore. Some songs are especially tough to hear. But in the midst of that pain, I'm overjoyed with celebrating my Savior's birth. I have finally grasped the importance of God himself coming to the Earth and living among us. Praise God for Christmas! God's answer to me is this- with such great joy and thanksgiving in my heart while celebrating the birth of Jesus, I hardly notice the hurt that is a small spec in comparison to the Healer.
 Mercy Me has a great song out right now called The Hurt and The Healer. For me, Christmas is a time when the hurt and the Healer collide.

Ephesians 4:20

 Exceedingly Abundantly Above

 I was always told "you can be anything you want to be." I really wanted to be an astronaut. Obviously, that didn't work out. I have bad eyesight, and when I was young that prevented you from flying. It's hard to be an astronaut if you don't know how to fly. So in my head I turned that quote into "you can be anything you want to be, except an astronaut, because you can't see well enough." Ok, a pharmacist, then. That's what I'll be. And I was. I've always been very honest about my career choice and I see no reason to hide it now. I wanted to be a pharmacist for the pay check. Not to be a billionaire, but to work 1/2 the amount of time other women work and still make good $.
 After my first child I continued to work full-time. That lasted 2 months. I knew I should cut back my hours and decided to cut them to 30. Over and over I debated this in my head and with God. 20 or 30? 20 or 30? Twenty will be better for my family, but thirty...the money! Ok, God. Thirty it is. When I broke the news to my boss, I was surprised to find out that the company I worked for only allowed full-time or half-time. No in-between. Ok, God. Twenty it is. I really enojoyed working twenty hours and spending the other time at home. It went well and I felt great, as long as I was at home. My work life was falling apart. I won't go into specifics, I'll just say that it was a terrible situation. I rarely had energy to spend time with my family when I got home. Many times I would burst out in anger or tears. About this same time I was newly pregnant with my second child. I knew I had to leave. I prayed for God to show me where to go. I looked for another job for weeks. I remember having this conversation with God-

Me- "God, please give me another job."
God- it is time to leave where you are
Me- "I know, but I need another job. Then I'll leave."
God- you don't trust me to provide for you
Me- "I do...it's just...I need to know where you are sending me."
God- it's time to leave

And I did. Because I was pregnant, I didn't see the purpose of job-searching right away. My husband and I agreed I'd look after the baby came. But something happened during those few months I was at home. God changed me. Staying at home with my son opened my life to new opportunitites that were not possible before. I started attending Bible study and women's get-togethers at church. I cooked and sat down with my family for dinner. I put my boy to bed every night and didn't have to say "good-night" over the phone. I spent every weekend with my family. I can be anything I want to be. And this is what I want to be. A wife. A mom. A woman who seeks Jesus and has godly friends. Of course, this is not ALL that I am. But I know that God has called me to be here, now.

 

Closing Thoughts

 Before G was born, I was given a book entitled Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson. Overall, I thought the book was informative. Mostly I read the book thinking thoughts like 'oh, that's interesting...so that's what's wrong with him...I know a dad like that...I know a mom like that...I find that hard to believe...etc.' But one thing stood out to me so much that I remember it four years later. "...many women today feel they have no choice but to get back to a job as soon as possible after giving birth. If you are one of them, let me say respectfully and compassionately that I understand the financial and emotional pressures you face. But to new mothers who have other options, I would strongly recommend that you not hand your babies over to child-care workers..." I'm sorry, WHAT?! I immediately told my husband "Dr. Dobson thinks that women should only work if they have no other choice financially! Isn't that stupid? God gave me this ability, it is part of who I am, I worked my tail off for six years! I have to work. I would be a terrible mother if I don't work. I could never be a stay-at-home-mom. I don't know how those moms do it. I would strangle my kids!" I often wonder if God smiled at me saying all of those things or laughed to himself. All of this thinking has changed, except the part where I want to strangle my kids. Praise God, He gives me the perfect amount of patience.
 Mona Lisa Smile. Things aren't always as they seem. The movie has been on the top of my list since it was first released. (Disclaimer: the movie is not a great family movie and definitely not one for children). There is something that I have always identified with in that movie. The brightest young woman in the class applies to law school at Yale and gets accepted. But instead of pursuing a career in law, she pursues her dream of having a family.
 "To you, a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want." -Joan, Mona Lisa Smile
 That movie was released in 2003. I was just begining my third year of pharmacy school. I guess even though I verbally protested being a stay-at-home-mom, somewhere deep down I knew that's what my heart longed for.
 This is what I want.

 


"pretend naptime"



My "mommy stays in the picture" picture



reading to little brother



My boys ridin' that train

"Mommy, someone's at the door!"

 It was a Thursday morning. I had gone into H's room to change a diaper and the doorbell rang. I was wearing my jammies and glasses and my hair was in a messy bun accented with spit-up. Normally I would try to hide until they left, but a voice yelled out "MOMMY! Someone is at the door!" Oh G, I have trained you so well. I looked outside and saw two men wearing suits. It must have been mommy fog because instead of thinking "oh, it's the Jehovah's Witnesses," I thought "they are wearing suits, it must be important." Normally I would try to hide until they left, but again the mommy fog. I swung the door open. They handed me a watchtower publication and began talking. I immediately turned it to the back to determine that these were, in fact, Jehovah's Witnesses. Normally I would try to hide until they left, but I had already opened the door. So there I stood. In jammies, speaking with these men. We spoke for over thirty minutes. Since they were men, I did not invite them in, so we just stood in the doorway.
 This was a turning point for me in my walk with God. I think until this very day I was positive about what I believed, but not really sure why. The biggest question I had after that conversation was one I had never even considered. When we die, are we immediately placed before Jesus in heaven? I have always believed the answer to that is "yes!" But why? Jehovah's Witnesses believe in a "soul sleep" of sorts. We talked about so many other things, but this stood out to me. The only verse I had to go on was Luke 23:43, which states "Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.'" Why does this mean we will instantly be with Jesus? Because in English, the comma tells us exactly what Jesus was saying- "TODAY you will be with me." (Commas are so important. It is the difference between "The kids already ate, Nathan." and "The kids already ate Nathan.") There is a problem here. The Bible wasn't written in English! Oh NO! So I started googling. I googled all afternoon. The more I googled, the more I believed. You see in the Bible that the Jehovah's Witnesses use (yes, they have a different Bible), the verse is translated to mean  'Today I'm telling you that you will be with me in paradise (one day).' But in my Bible it is translated to mean 'I'm telling you that today you will be with me in paradise.' (verses paraphrased) I can not rely on a comma that was not in the original language to determine what I believe. But I can rely on this- I know the heart of Jesus. I don't believe that he would tell a criminal who just professed his faith moments before death "yes, I'll remember you-one day." No way. (See this for more information about the original language).
 This was the first of many revelations I have had regarding my own faith. I encourage you to examine what you believe. "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?" 2 Cor 13:5
 And don't think you can't learn a thing or two from those people knocking at your door. But follow these important guidelines:
1. Use your own Bible (remember they have a version that is translated to meet their incorrect beliefs)
2. Do your own research.

 If you are interested in striking up a conversation with someone at your door, I have found these sites to be extremely helpful:
Evidence Ministries
TowerWatch Ministries
 Oh, you aren't interested? I wasn't either. Like I said,  I normally would have hidden. But God has completely surprising and amazing things in store for us when we open our hearts. If you have made it this far into the post, please close with a prayer for the Jehovah's Witness women to return. I know I said this was a visit from men, but my journey began over a year ago with two women. I'm patiently praying for God to send them my way. Thank you for joining me!

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The goal of this blog is to share what God is doing, and hopefully...someday...I will be able to share what this photo is for. But for now, I'll just share the photo. (because I am so thrilled that I figured out how to accomplish this!)

 I do want to acknowledge that EVERY person is wonderfully made and designed by the hand of God. I certainly do NOT want to get into an internet debate about political issues regarding life and when it begins, etc. But I do want to share something that has come to mind involving science of the biology type. I know you have heard the phrase "a group of cells." When I hear that, I question what is the difference between "me" and "a group of cells." I believe what sets humans apart is that we have a soul. When do we get that soul? I imagine one day we'll find out. Truth be told, no scientist has ever or will ever create a test to determine that.

 I really got off on a tangent that I didn't mean to, but that's just something I wanted to put in your brain. I can't wait to spill on my new ministryette (that's a small ministry).

Who? What? Why?

 

Who?

 I should start by introducing myself, I guess. My name is Jamie and I am a not-so-normal gal living in Alabama with my man and two beautiful handsome boys. I now define myself as a Jesus follower, a Jesus freak, if you will. It hasn't always been this way, as my story is one of heartache and rebellion and redemption. One day we may get to that. I stay at home with my boys am a stay at home mom and I try my best to get the boys out, but let's be honest, it doesn't always happen.

 Once upon a time I was a pharmacist. A good one. I always imagined my life to be one of the professional-type. But God had different plans for me. I suppose I will cover that story at some point in time also.

 So that's me in a nutshell- Jesus follower, wife, mom, ex-pharamcist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What? 

 Well, a blog, of course. You know what type of blogs I love? I'll tell you. The honest ones. I get so tired of reading blogs that convey the message of awesome mommying: loving every moment of spit up and poopy diapers, looking fashionable while feeding a toddler made-from-my own garden organic vegetable soup with one hand and getting ahead on my Bible study with the other. So that's what- an honest blog. I don't have it all together, I never will, and to be honest, I don't even know what "all-together" is.

 One of my concerns with sharing a blog was that I didn't want to indirectly proclaim "LOOK AT ME! Look what I'M doing over here!" So let me be clear- The purpose of this is to show others what GOD is doing, not me. Because if I showed the world (or 2 or 3 readers) what I am doing with me life, it would be sad. I have made a mess of my life and God has turned it into a message. That was so cliche. (But so true!)

 

Why?

 I accidently answered that already in the "what?" section. To share with the internet world what God is doing in my life with the hopes that others will open their heart to what God can do in them.

 

Side note- I have no clue what I'm doing. You'd think with a computer engineer in the house I'd have some help... wrong.